tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7379240068299209416.post3172399182356841128..comments2013-05-02T11:22:13.214-07:00Comments on Reavny's Literary Failings: Wreckagephoenixkiss29@gmail.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08635376304226520179noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7379240068299209416.post-66615594114112352742013-04-09T14:44:56.056-07:002013-04-09T14:44:56.056-07:00Nice start to a world. Lots of great details that ...Nice start to a world. Lots of great details that make me want to learn more. It does seem he is a little too alert and attentive when he wakes up outside the train. From the reader's perspective he is probably dying, yet he is noticing the lady's mood and being rather cogent give the situation. It's only after we learn that he is in some magical bind that it makes sense why he can be this with it. I'm not sure a good way to clean that up easily. <br /><br />It's also unclear what happens when he goes into the memory. It happens rather fast and it seems like it could be a vision she is planting in him, or just a dream, or something else. I think you intend it to be just a memory that comes to him when he blacks out, but the transition into it could be a little more fleshed out so it doesn't just spring up. <br /><br />A few small notes - <br /><br />The trying to hold his feet part is awkward, you might change it to ‘tried to find my feet,’ 'tried to get to my feet' or something more natural. <br /><br />Things like “I felt my body give up,’ can be revised to much more concise “My body gave up.” It will make it more active. In the same vein - “ I reach my hand skyward and notice there is no response from my arm. “ could be altered to “I try to reach skyward, but my arm doesn't respond.” <br /><br />‘The blood on my hands have made my attempts at grabbing anything close to me impossible.’ instead of telling us this, show us with an action, “I grabbed for the metal body, but the blood on my hands makes it impossible.” Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18410973862317518265noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7379240068299209416.post-12539515971762735962013-03-30T15:15:47.876-07:002013-03-30T15:15:47.876-07:00I'm trying to not overlap things and fry mysel...I'm trying to not overlap things and fry myself at the moment, so no content editing from me for this one currently. (I know you must be disappointed.) It's an intriguing story, though. Has a strong Fullmetal Alchemist vibe to it. As that's one of my favorite animes, I could see this becoming a favorite story. lolAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17034329813521644692noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7379240068299209416.post-84044498682016280002013-03-18T00:36:19.881-07:002013-03-18T00:36:19.881-07:00I'm gonna go with Heath here and say this is q...I'm gonna go with Heath here and say this is quite an interesting teaser for what I hope is going to be something more. I like the feeling of following along with Bartresq and being a bit lost and confused. The way the entire thing opened with the train wreck was great; it set the stage for the following disarray. There is a bit of technical editing that can be done, but the story is there and I hope to see some more of it. Glad to have you back!alphabetehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17305229870777987796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7379240068299209416.post-32309389550319030302013-03-14T11:54:25.758-07:002013-03-14T11:54:25.758-07:00So many questions, but virtually no answers. Enoug...So many questions, but virtually no answers. Enough of a tease to keep me interested and wanting to find out what the answers are, however. Very interesting opening to what could be a much larger story you have here!<br /><br />The first five paragraphs are a little rough. There are some tense changes, and it might make it easier to read if Bartresq's questions to himself are separated from the rest of the narrative by carriage breaks. The interaction between the girl and Kulver is a bit unclear. Does Kulver make a move towards Bartresq and the girl stops her, only for Kulver to stop the girl before she slaps Bartresq? I'm honestly not sure how that confrontation physically plays out. It's also not clear if the creatures are robots or some sort of stone/metal golems, although if that's a question you don't want to answer yet, then that's not actually a problem.<br /><br />Again, this seems like a good start to a much larger story. I'm intrigued!Duke Norikhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07627332915015672595noreply@blogger.com